Ch 0. Marriage and The Single State

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Marriage and the single state
"Better to marry than to burn"

2. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.
7 Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9 But if they do not have self-control, let them marry ; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion

. I Corinthians ch. 7 and verse 2, 7-9.

Preliminary Considerations

The problem: Sexual sins and the bible's solution, marriage

Let's start with the problem called sexual sin. In verse 2 in the above portion, the Greek word 'Porneas' (translated above as immoralities) is used in the plural to indicate any and all abuses and misuses that can occur with our innate sexuality. The word is a junk drawer term used to indicate all the different sexual sins known to man. (Think, fornication or sex outside of marriage, adultery, rape, incest, perversions, orgies, homosexuality, bestiality porn,..., etc; the types of sins can vary as much as there are people.) Marriage is therefore, the Bible's, one of two, holy and sanctified alternatives, given to man to curb these manifestations. The other alternative is that of the single calling or choice which is to remain single maintaining purity from all such activities that may be 'Porneas'. This latter choice may not be easy to live out in today's 'naked media' cultures and societies; it can nevertheless be a worthwhile biblical strategy for some.


Auto sexual sins

It’s now part of the common vernacular to speak of metro-sexual, homosexual, bisexual and transsexual persons. How about auto-sexual-ity? This would be having sex with oneself which is commonly known as masturbation. It's the one sin most often associated with being single or alone and (may) be classified among sins called 'uncleanness' or impurity in the New Testament. Uncleanness or impurity (Akatharos in our original Greek scriptures) is another inclusive term that describes all sexual activity that may be classified as impure.

Auto-sexuality is different from other sexual activities in that it acts on itself rather than on others. Subsequently, outside of the church, in the post aids world it has earned the label 'safe' and is seen as the medically and morally benign, sexual activity of choice. Some have surmised that, we have all done it at some point in our lives presumably more than just a few times. This might be generally true and also seems to be supported by the statistics. This makes it a human frailty or behavior common to many of us. The increase of its employment since the advent of the new technologies due to online porn is incalculable but has to be estimated to be huge. Many, Christian and non Christian alike have candidly said that they have participated in, struggled with or fallen into this activity. There is no question that it can be habit forming. Some will go as far us to say how addictive it has become and how they would like to be free from it. There is a strong association with auto-sexuality and pornography and in fact porn probably owes its existence, continuance and profitability on the demand side to this human frailty and sin.

Of course, as stated before, one of the ways to curb this behavior is marriage and The Bible recommends it saying, “Because of 'porneas'....It’s better to marry than to burn”. In the absence of a marriage bed, some will inevitably take matters into their own hands and use auto sexual activity as an outlet.

Is The Devil in it? If he is, It must not be good!

Society has increasingly become tolerant of nearly all forms of sin. It must be this 'frog in slow boiling water' effect happening around us but some people including ministers have questioned whether auto sexual behavior (ASB) should be classed as a sin or even if there is anything wrong with it. We will not presume to speak this way here, especially since many people's conscience tells them otherwise and their confession bears out to it being detestable to themselves. The Bible clearly teaches that if our conscience condemns us about something and if it's not of faith then it must be sin(Romans 14:23). Therefore, we weigh in on the side that says, It is a selfish, lustful, unbecoming act and therefore should be judged as wrong. We say this not to condemn but in order edify and clear the way for godly alternatives.

Of the many contrary bible based arguments against ASB, we will give a few here. Firstly, It's an act usually accompanied by picturing and lusting after an image of someone who is not a spouse. This means that when we engage in ASB, we are committing fornications and adulteries in our heart and mind without leaving the comfort of our abode. Undoubtedly, sexual sin can progress from something as benign looking as lingering on the pages of circulars with underwear modelsto something a lot worse. Similarly, ASB can also turn into a bondage and become a stepping stone to more and even worse misadventures.

Secondly, if one regularly uses ASB as an outlet, the need for seeking a spouse is much lessened or becomes non existent. As sex was intended to be a shared experience, the loneliness of auto-sexuality can be detrimental to becoming a happy wholesome individual. One might as well sign on a paper that says 'lonely for life'. If we can turn on and turn off ourselves why would we need people? Thirdly, it is hardly conducive to the biblical idea of cultivating a thought life that is pure and chaste and is in fact an antithesis to it. We fail to see how those who defend it can call it pure(Katharos in Greek). We therefore conclude from these and other scriptural arguments that, although it may not seem immediately grievous or harmful as some other sins in its effect, it's a sin nevertheless, something a holy people shouldn't perpetuate.

For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness"

(I Thessa. 4:7)

But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; Ephesians 5:3

A course of action

Based on the same scriptures we council instead that we all strive for a high standard of purity and holiness in the sight of God while we are single. Those who 'burn' let them seek to marry as there is no sin in that. If desire cannot be projected at a spouse it's lust. Our imagination needs to outlaw lust and be exercised to a higher, purer thought life which is our christian ideal. This is not just puritan idealism; it's a real, sound Biblical strategy and course of action for the many who earnestly desire holiness and don't want to be overcome by lustful thoughts. Failure is probable and inevitable at times because of our sin nature and our environment but we can improve and grow toward having a pure thought life, one which is abounding with transparent prayer(confession, petition, intercession and intimacy) with God's help. One of the precious promises of the gospel is to eventually come to a place of overcoming temptation in all its forms the way our lord Jesus did.

The christian answer to sin is neither too sanitary to be ignorant of our struggles with our sexuality nor is it un-wholesomely permissive. It rather strives to stay on the narrow road attended by prayer and holiness on either side while basking in the grace and mercy of The Lord. If any slippage occurs the way back on this happy road is always confession and genuine repentance which The Lord gladly and lovingly accepts.

Thank The Lord, He doesn't put us in front of a firing squad every time we fail because some of us would have died hundreds of times. The compassions of our lord and His grace are such that not only is He merciful to us but He also understands the temptations we are put under especially in today's world. He is there to help and empower us always and give us grace when we need it. Paul’s candid talk in chapter seven of Romans applies perfectly to this activity even if he was not directly speaking to just this issue.

19 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. 20 But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. 21 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. 22 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, 23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death ? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord ! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

(Romans 7)

Self Control and The single state

As most christian singles will have found out, the same type of discipline and grace required not to lust after someone and overcome the various 'porneas' is what is also required to remain single and holy for a season, seasons or even longer periods of one's life. The permanent single state must therefore be a prolonged state of what most singles have already experienced or are experiencing in their daily walk and struggle to live right before their maker. We need not be scared of it. It must also have been attended by deeper conviction to put aside one's self for the purposes of The Kingdom exclusively and permanently. Even then, it must be something that has to be taken and weighed each day, trusting God to keep one strong. No religious vows are necessary. Some of us might have felt such a deeper call for separation, prayer and seeking the heart of God.

Our Uniqueness

Paul does speak of his being single as a unique gift but he also speaks of having the right to marry(like other apostles) which he willingly laid down. On the other hand, his apostolic requirement for church leaders was that they should be married to one wife. Each christian is unique and will have a unique call, development and ministry so Paul says above, "..each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that"

A lot of single people's unhappiness has to do with internal and external pressures put on them to be in a relationship no matter what their circumstances are. As we shall see from scripture, this is neither right nor good as it does not always hold true that we all should be married. This means that you may not have to go by the advice of your relative from Pekipsi, who occasionally likes to put on the mantel of 'Tzeitel' the matchmaker.

We will come back to this but let's digress to another important truth!