Looking for Love
We hope what we said so far makes sense to some of you and that it encourages you to seek to know Christ more in the short time that is left. There are plenty of other writes are who are better placed and more qualified to write about courtship and the mechanics of searching for a mate. Please feel free to consult these sources where ours seems deficient, skewed or unrealistic. This book is mostly about the important and yet often wanting spiritual, biblical, theological and philosophical ideals regarding marriage and singleness. However, before we establish those we want to touch on some of the realities and the practical aspects of searching for a mate. While we have the workings of a particular culture in mind, we might not do justice to the dynamics of interactions in your corner of the universe. Please feel free to use your own imagination to fill in the details where our descriptions seem to be lacking.
Jesus said of the single calling “not everyone can receive it" so it’s not for everyone. Of course, if one finds their true friend and partner, it’s a wonderful thing and they should consummate a marriage. However, not all of us will find it easy to find a mate in our modern, irreverent, sin and self worshiping world. Christians might find their way of life to be a rarity even as they themselves are. A significant portion of the pool of christian 'single' people over their late thirties would have gone through one or more relationships, some of whom may still be binding according to scripture. In addition, to make matters more complicated, each individual is bound to have various social, medical, psychological and economical issues that need to be worked out before reaching a cleared flag to marry.
Searching for friends in the internet age
Some of us are pining for someone to set us up. Where is Tzeitel* when you need her? Today, we have thousands of computer servers and their webmasters doing her services. This has brought millions of people together so they can try to make a connection. This is an incredible advancement but as we find out soon enough it can be deceptive. We have all logged on, created a profile and waited until "we got mail". Some of us are still waiting! While it has increased our possibilities it may make us overlook what is close to us and in front of us "This lady from Scandinavia has a great testimony,... that African guy is an upstanding member of society" etc etc. The Logistics can be a nightmare and the information can be endless; it's also very easy for people to misrepresent themselves for comic or more ominously for nefarious reasons. While the number of choices for friendships may be unlimited the task of vetting for a single choice is virtually impossible. Good or bad, internet dating has become a popular way of life for today's tech-savvy generation and has become part of many people's calculations when it comes to searching for a mate. It has given an option to people who cannot meet people in the conventional ways or who may find that they are too tied up with work not to be able to socialize.However, it still remains true, that there is no better place for us than the local church, where to foster friendships, know about each other’s character, testimony and worship-life. .
Desirability and attraction
Looks are the reason why Mathilda married way before her brighter friend Jennifer leaving Jennie a little sad and at the same time struggling to be happy for her friend. Its just a general fact of life that those with genes for good looks or with better social status and wealth will advance to the finals sooner in the game of love. Some of us might like to marry persons created in the image of Ken and Barbie who are also super-spiritual. But we will find that there aren't enough to go around and that they are usually all taken by others who are from similar gene pools. Some of us are late bloomers and only catch up to our rich or statuesque peers later in life.
23 and those [parts] of the body, which we think to be less honorable, upon these we bestow more abundant honor; and our uncomely [parts] have more abundant comeliness; 24 whereas our comely [parts] have no need: but God tempered the body together, giving more abundant honor to that [part] which lacked; 25 that there should be no schism in the body; but [that] the members should have the same care one for another.( I Corinthians 12: 19-29)
There is however no need for anxiety as God is not a respecter of persons(Or In the original language no respecter of 'faces'). He has a way of compensating the plain or average among us the way he compensated the attention starved Leah over her beautiful sister Rachel by making her womb fertile (Genesis ch. 29:31). In many instances in scripture, God is seen to be present among His people as an equalizer, giving favor to those who are seemingly left behind. Those who are first are seen ending up being last and vice-versa. Jesus himself was despised and rejected many times; He was considered uneducated, rough and may not have been that good looking! Paul was maligned in the same manner. God often chooses the weak, beggarly and 'non-beautiful' of the world for himself(1 Cor. 2:28-29). We should take courage that where we start in life may not matter if God is working in our lives, for He is able to take us to greater heights than what we have known.
Because appearances play a role in courtship, a small mention needs to be made of what we find attractive and desirable in one another. Desirability, often connected with looks and considered to be mainly visual, also includes things like intellect, personality and spirituality, but ultimately is only known to the mysterious chooser hidden deep within the seeker's psyche (mind). The Holy Spirit's influence can't be discounted here but we will limit ourselves to the human side of attraction for now. Some people's chooser is quite fickle and rejects people for small trivial things. They say things like "She twirls her fingers or he rubs his nose when he speaks" We hear of people getting rejected for such minor quirks and mannerisms. That is why first impressions are often important. Temperament and attitude which are both reflections of our inner character are also big factors when it comes to like-ability. One's work, education and income can also be important, decisive factors for some people.
There is also no doubt that attire, grooming, hygiene and posture affect how we measure each other. These might be areas where "the children of this world are wiser than the children of light" but it does not have to be necessarily so. The people of the world learn early on how to play 'the game of love' from 'externals' and they get very good at it, but we have to learn to trust in The Lord. They know how to wash the outside of the cup and yet it's dirty inside; we concentrate on the inside, in the planting of virtues and plucking of sin.
We hate to sound like the TV makeover gurus but it is still needful to take care of the outside and often its what gets our foot in the door of love(We apologize to you anointed pilgrims in your Khaki's and camel hair attire but it needs to be said in this context, as some of us can be negligent of it) Our body image, our looks, attire and grooming are important because a lot of people's decisions primarily pivot on these factors. Within limits, we can all help our outward image by spending some time in front of the mirror. It goes without saying that cultivating one's flowers and garden well invites the butterflies and bees to come. Once they show up we still have to go through a selection process.
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